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02 – Football Saturday Meets Its Match

I will begin this by saying that sometime in the Fall, the ex, who I will from here on out refer to as Hahna, started working out at a Crossfit gym in the area. The membership was well outside our budget but her father was going to pay the bill until the end of the year and she was hoping to do some side work for the owner to defray the cost. It came with a few free personal training sessions but because Hahna was friends with the owner, she got as many personal training sessions as she wanted.

It was November and UGA was going to play Auburn. I had received my masters from Tennessee but Tennessee’s program had gone downhill so I jumped on the UGA bandwagon because of Hahna. I had watched most of their games for 12 years and Hahna generally did not watch. Hahna’s interest in UGA had increased since we’d moved back to Georgia. We had discussed earlier in the week about kicking back and relaxing on Saturday night and watching the game together and I was looking forward to it.

On Saturday morning, Hahna told me nonchalantly that she was going to go watch the first half of the football game with some friends of hers. It caught me off guard and I was a little hurt she was bailing on me. She was going to go watch the game until halftime and then come home. Um, sure. I’ll stay with the kids and you go out.

Hahna left and I got the kids down and proceeded to watch the game. The first half came and went and Hahna still wasn’t home nor had she texted or called. The game got over after 11 pm and I still hadn’t heard from her so I called her. She answered the phone and told me she was on the way home and I hung up as I was quite pissed. Not the most mature way to handle it but no communication for 3 hours and coming home an hour and a half later than planned seemed ridiculous.

On Sunday, I was still upset and feeling pretty justified in my anger regarding the prior evening. Experience should have told me that I was a career .000 batting average in situations where I thought I was 100% right but I ignored experience and went with my gut. We had plans to go watch an Atlanta United soccer game with the kids but I decided to go ahead and address it with her. I swung at what should have been at an easy pitch down the middle that turned into a changeup.

What proceed next was a large fight over a relatively small “issue”.  I was ticked about the previous day. She was ticked about 8 years of marital violations and brought up a litany of grievances against me. I couldn’t begin to list them all as I was blindsided by the whole ordeal.  The rest of the argument was mostly a blur as she threw haymaker after haymaker at me and all I could do was cover up and hope for no long term brain damage.

We called an unofficial truce in there somewhere and took the kids to the Atlanta United soccer. She was very distant and made no attempt to connect or make up during the day. I was still hurt but made the best of it. Hard to play the game when you’re thinking it’s Old Maid and she’s playing Russian Roulette.

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01 – Kid Free Vacation!

My kids are amazing and always have been. However, anyone that has taken a trip with kids knows it takes a little bit more effort to keep them entertained, fed, and not at each other’s throats. As they get older, it’s easier but early on it is more about making memories and less about “leisure and relaxation”. I refer to these as “trips”. Making memories with kids is a part of parenting but is less than relaxing.

In the 12 years I was married to my previous roommate, we took one vacation without a pregnancy or kids involved. I would imagine most people would recognize this isn’t healthy for a relationship. The roomie always made a big deal about not spending nights away from the kids. Her parents weren’t capable of handling all three kids and often if her parents couldn’t do something, it meant she didn’t want my parents to do it. As a result, we never really got away.

In 2018, we moved to Georgia for a new job that was a very good stepping stone in my career. Although the new job was a good career move, it involved long hours and availability 24/7. Shortly after moving here, we also needed to move the ex’s parents up to be closer. Her mother had dementia and her father was not capable of taking care of both of them. She put a lot of effort into that relocation and I was busting my butt with the new job so we were in need of a vacation.

It took some convincing but in September of 2018, my parents flew in to watch the kids for us so we could go on a trip. My kids were 5, 7, and 9 at that point and a bit easier to take care of than a few years prior. I had arranged for us to go to the Ritz Carlton on Amelia Island and use my hotel points and we were going to stop in Savannah on the way. Everything was lining up nicely for some relaxation.

On the day of departure, I ended up getting off work early so we could get going on the trip. Unbeknownst to me, the ex had planned on going to drop something off at her parents (they lived an hour away) before we left so me coming home early messed those plans up. We proceeded to have a big fight over a small matter. We cooled down and I told her to go ahead and go to her parents and we could leave afterwards. She agreed to it and then proceeded to walk away saying we should cancel the trip. Huh?

In all our years of marriage, we had only had a few big fights, usually pertaining to the three things I mentioned in a prior post (family, money, kids) and a few of those were because the shorter one of us was a lightweight when drinking. However, we had never had those types of fights in front of anyone else and this one was on full display in front of my parents. Eventually, she settled down and we proceeded to hit the road to Amelia Island. It started off a little tense but eased up as we drove.

While there, we were able to get out and do a few activities and relax. There was no real indication to me that anything was wrong but as noted prior, I wasn’t great at recognizing signs. We were still able to connect physically and seemed to enjoy the time together so what could be wrong?

After a few days, we headed back home somewhat relaxed and ready to get back into our daily routine. Little did I know, there were already underlying issues that she was dealing with that would surface in about 6 weeks.

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“A Better Blog is Born…”

If you would have asked me a few years ago if I ever saw a website and a blog in my future I would have laughed at the absurdity. Back then, I was working in a high-pressure job and the blogger in the house was my babies’ mama. What would I blog about? Fashion trends for abnormally tall people? DIY (which may not have been a bad idea)? Or failed hair growth systems I’d tried? I had a good enough income to have a stay-at-home wife, three great kids, and a decent retirement plan. I was living a good life and recall on a few occasions thinking of how much God had blessed me.

Lo and behold if the good life I thought I was living unraveled rather quickly. When I say quickly, I mean from the time I knew there was a serious problem to the time I was served divorce papers was 6 weeks. Looking back, there were warning signs that more astute people would have noticed but not me. I was living la vida oblivious.

As things began to unravel, I began to write. I grabbed a pen and began journaling my emotions and what was going on in my life. For anyone that has ever seen my handwriting, It’s somewhere between a serial killer and a doctor. It was so bad that I made a NY resolution one year to write my signature neatly all year, but that only lasted about a week and a half before I developed writer’s fatigue three checks I had to fill out and sign. Needless to say, I hated writing but had to do something to get through that time period. Eventually, I figured I was a much better typer than writer and flipped over my journaling to Google docs and spreadsheets.

About 10 months after my divorce process began, I decided to take that journaling and start a blog. I’d never done it but found out that it wasn’t as cost-prohibitive as I’d thought it was (I’d funded my previous roommate’s blog for two years). I started the blog and began creating my posts with the goal to take some of my lessons learned and put them out there for others to read and possibly avoid some of my mistakes.

A few weeks after starting the blog, I randomly did a search for divorced men’s Facebook groups and found one that I quickly joined. I was very surprised at the support network of 10,000 men and regretted having not found that group sooner. There were some bitter guys for sure but a lot of folks truly wanted to help others through the pain of divorce. The blog took a backseat for a while as I felt it was a redundant resource to the Facebook group.

Although there are definite advantages of the Facebook groups and other support organizations, it became very repetitive and the advice that was posted often lacked perspective. It seemed that every day, someone would post the same question or look for the same support as the day before. There was no good way to search for answers to the questions that were repeatedly asked. I eventually had to stop following the group as every time I would chime in on someone’s question or rant, I felt it would bubble up some of my own negative feelings. I still occasionally hop on but a daily stream of negativity with a few positive moments sprinkled in is not good for the psyche.

One of the things I’ve gained an appreciation for over the last few years is perspective. If your goal is to get in good shape, you’re probably not going to ask Joey Chestnut, the hot dog eating champion, what his workout routine is. His is about stuffing as many hot dogs in his mouth as possible and not giving a flip what he looks like in the process. Perspective is thus important so as I plan on posting on array of things on here, I will also include my divorce story. There are certainly some WTF moments in the story that will help you see where I’m coming from when I write.

With that said, I’ve read enough posts and heard enough stories to say that even though we might not have the same divorce story, there’s a good chance there’s something on here that might be useful. I’ll have posts about what to consider at various stages of divorce, ways to save money, best/worst dating apps, music (it really can be therapeutic or depressing), and many other random thoughts about being a divorced dad. Welcome!