One thing I’ve remained consistent on since my kids were born was always trying to be an active part of their lives. I was in the delivery room “catching” my son when he was born. I changed diapers, fed bottles, coached sports, went to most doctor appointments, and school functions, chaperoned on field trips and more.
Once I got those divorce papers, I amped up my involvement even more. I let my boss know the situation and took every opportunity she would give me to get the kids and spend time with them. I kept them 50/50 while working 50 hours a week and she was unemployed.
I lost my job a few days before court and despite my level of involvement in their lives, I agreed to 8 days a month. I knew I would have to find a new job and had a feeling I’d end up in a job that had a lot of travel (which I did).
Despite the agreement, I spent the next year maximizing time with the kids and I had them almost 50/50. The ex constantly had late meetings/events/outings and on short notice, I’d take the kids.
When I filed a suit for modification, those opportunities became less and less. I would still do lunches with the kids and attend all of their games and most of their practices just to see them for a bit. I missed one game since the divorce and that was because of an out-of-state funeral.
During my suit for modification, we had a court date and the ex decided to bring the kids to court to talk to the judge. My lawyer was in the room and filled me in on what was said. You would have thought I was a horrible father based on the comments. When asked what the kids wanted more from me, my oldest said “To support me more in my activities”. What??? I go to every single game and practice while your mom skips them on the regular and I need to support you more??? I truly felt I was being held to a much “higher” standard.
After that, I decided I wasn’t going to rearrange my schedule anymore to go to practices. What was the point? I subsequently did family counseling with the kids and the ex and it went about as bad as possible. Sitting in front of my kids with a shoddy counselor and an inflammatory ex while my kids talk about not wanting to see me and my youngest saying he didn’t need me as a dad was about as crappy as I’ve ever felt.
Things eventually smoothed out and got better with the kids. They are being emotionally manipulated constantly and I try to remember that. My oldest complained to me a few weeks ago about me not going to his practices anymore. He doesn’t say that to his mom. He assures me if I went to his practices, his mom would let me take him home and we could chat after practice. The boy can’t even consistently talk to me in the 10 days they’re away from me between visits so I’m not optimistic of in-depth conversations after practice.
Meanwhile, there’s my daughter who seems to find new ways to bring pain. She’ll go days without responding or answering calls. Recently, her mom was actually going to let me pick my daughter up from her volleyball practice. I hadn’t seen her in a week and volunteered to do it. Figured I could pick her up, take her to her mom’s house, see my oldest son, and then go to my youngest son’s baseball game. Not a bad night for a divorced dad to get a few minutes of in-person conversation with the kids. She had other plans though as she’d already arranged to have a friend take her home. She called me and I tried to not guilt her too much but prodded her a bit that her friend could adjust their plans. Nope. She didn’t bite and not unsurprisingly, her mom didn’t push her to do the right thing and let me take her home.
Everyone always says “Some day the kids will figure it out” or “They don’t understand what’s going on”. While likely true, that doesn’t make the feeling of rejection any better. It’ll be great if they figure it out someday but the memories I will have missed out on won’t be fulfilled by “Some day…”