I’ve talked to quite a few people about marriage and what I thought the top issues usually were in a marriage and I think what we struggled with was the same as most: family, kids, money.
Family – For the first few years of marriage the ex and I had quite a few arguments about family. She was an only child and wanted her parents there as much as possible (they lived about 8 hours away). In the early years, they’d visit four or five times a year for 10-14 days at a pop. They weren’t bad people but when you host someone for that length of time, it also throws off your rhythm with your partner. On top of it, the ex’s dad didn’t seem to respect the fact that the house wasn’t his. After our first child, they would rent a cabin within a few hours of us and visit frequently. Her dad would program his car’s garage door opener to our garage and would use that to enter the house unannounced. It could be that it was odd for me as my parents always lived a long way from their parents but I felt that it was common courtesy to knock or give a heads up before you barge into someone’s house even if it’s your kids.
Kids – A couple of years into our marriage, we had our first child. We had two more and ended up with each of them about two years apart. There’s so much to learn with kids and thousands of books and advice columns on how to raise them. The ex read many of them and we tried several of their ideas over the years. The ex tended to show much more grace and let the kids get away with more than I would. To add some context, after we had separated, I had taken the kids to Chick Fil A and grabbed them some dinner. I had ordered food for my daughter that she normally would eat (she had gone to the bathroom while I was ordering) but she decided she wanted what her brother had and proceeded to throw a fit (she acted out the most with the divorce). On the way home, I called their mom and told her what was going on. She said that I should turn around and go back and get my daughter what she wanted. What? I took her home, let her calm down, and proceeded to make her a grilled cheese sandwich which was what her brother had. I just didn’t give into her fit at the restaurant as her mom would have.
Money – When we got married, I was making low six figures and the ex was working and making pretty good money as well. I had also managed to save up about 6 months of expenses in a savings account. That would be the last time I ever had that many months of expenses saved up for. A month or so before our first child was born, the ex lost her job (2nd job she’d lost while we’d been together). She was flying to see her parents and met someone on a plane that said she should stay home with the kids and work from home. I don’t know where that a-hole is today but I hope he’s learned to keep his mouth shut. ; ) However, I supported that idea and for the next 7 years, she would solely be a stay at home mom. By the numbers, we could afford for me to work and she to take care of the kids during the day.
Over the years, I saw that every month, we would overspend our budget. She did 90% of the shopping so I would discuss why she had such a big piece of why we were over budget but she viewed it as attacking her. I tried to help her come up with systems that worked but nothing ever worked. We used Microsoft Money. Then I came up with the idea for her to use a check register and she agreed. Then I found Mint and tried to use it but she had no interest. She continued to spend more money than we had coming in with little thought or concern. Bigger house. More activities. Organic foods and eating out. I would mow the lawn and do DIY projects while working a full-time job to save money. She would hire cleaners for the house as she hated cleaning which was about $200/month. Obviously, we were not aligned on finances.
We had two entirely different perspectives on how to approach these three things. We never discussed counseling although that would have been a good option as there was frustration on both sides. After years of bickering about these three things, it all came to a major head in November of 2018.